Big and Brown
their press agents by Steel Virgins Ltd. Get in, Heidi, pretty please, he was simultaneously
begging me with his mind. He was waltzing around with the rubber doll in her new battle metal
getup, in honor of the new album. This was one of those special occasions.
Heidi Paaskelin, the real one, is operatically trained, like so many of those Finns, and she can
also play the accordion. It seems every band up there needs a male growler and a female aria
singer and prehistoric clothes; hers was no exception. The main reason Rufus chose her for this
elaborate deception was her name. Though I did think the bear skin she holds around her hips
with that big belt like a wrestler’s was a bit Beaver-like. On stage it looks like its jaw has hold of
one of her legs; this one was just a hank of fake fur the right size and color, but it was soft. I
spent a bit of time stroking it with my sparkles, reconciling myself to confinement albeit with
Rufus holding me. Then I dived in.
Rufus paused with his wisecracks and nursing on the beer bottle long enough to welcome me
with a sloppy kiss. When he pulled away his face was liberally smudged with bright red warpaint.
I must admit, it was satisfying to see the effect our kiss had on him from this vantage, and
to feel his fingers digging so deeply into my shoulders that air was displaced into my belly.
away, causing the person it hit to swear, and grabbing some attention. Then he brandished me in
the air and howled as he wiped the paint around, smearing the remainder of it in streaks over his
chest. All eyes were definitely on us now. Cameras flashed. Then he cradled me in his arms as if
we were doing the tango, nearly treading on my bare conical foot stumps (how I loathed their
toe-lessness) while he murmured sweet sounding nonsense to me with his red hair all around our
faces. Now and then he’d pause to wrap one of my arms around himself for a moment, or nibble
on my neck. The crowd parted for us, hooting and guffawing, cameras like a storm of bright
flashes I tried to ignore.
When we were abreast of one of the phone cubicles with a folding glass door, he pulled me in
with him and shut it on the crowd. I could see Dan the bodyguard’s back, but he was purposely
leaving a space where the gawkers could glimpse what Rufus was doing. Except for everyone
looking, it was like old times.
“Oh Heidi, you were perfect. You are perfect,” he said into my cheesy borrowed red hair. I
squealed as loudly as I could and sent maximum inflation into the arms around him. He already
had his trousers undone. Now he shoved the whole business, belt and all, down to his knees and
pounded me into the wall. I began to hate the metal bikini top like Princess Leia’s that they’d
dressed me in because it was between my rubber and his gorgeous skin. I was tempted to
abandon the material and just mist all around the booth but I refrained. Really, it was no worse
than the belt. And they were being so NOISY out there!
too wonderful the way pearls of sweat were springing out of his beautiful skin wherever there
was not a greasy red streak. I simply merged my happy sparkles with the cubicle’s air and
enjoyed the perfume of him to the fullest.
Later, when we were breathing again more regularly and he was using the inflatable me for a
pillow, we made a phone call. It answered on only two rings. “Dixon Hill,” said a sweet young
“Hey, Tia. Is your mom there?”
“Daddy, are you drunk?”
maintain, honeycakes. Now lemme talk to your maw.” And Mistress Patty was eventually
brought to the phone.
“Hey, Peapod; thought you’d like to hear it from me first. Me and Heidi are gonna be all over the
front page the next couple of days. Tell your chum bucket lawyers.” And then he hung up. And
after that he cried until his nose was red, all over that big brown fake bearskin. The stalwart Dan
kept people away. And Steen and the boys were keeping the crowds entertained by licking fake
blood off daggers.
Rufus had done what she asked. She could pretend her children’s dad was not a queer until they
got old enough to live away from her at last.
He and Steen made sure it backfired though, the day Tia turned 21. They held another press
conference to tell the world they were married. By then ‘Heidi’s Big Brown Beaver’ had been a
novelty hit for nearly a decade.
“I think it was that threesome with Heidi that decided us,” Steen joked. Both of my men are so
good at shoveling the shit.
“Naw; I just decided after two bad marriages I’d only settle for a virgin,” Rufus wisecracked,
dodging a fake blow from Steen. On the way down he got hold of the famous goatee and yanked
him in for a passion show.
I am sure that they kept very quiet about that particular bit of news over at Dixon Hill.